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About Traditional Art / Hobbyist ShawniferOther/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 2 Years
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I think I might be nothing. -Todd Chavez by Shawnifer I think I might be nothing. -Todd Chavez :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 1 0 Jabberjaw (1976-1978) by Shawnifer Jabberjaw (1976-1978) :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 2 0 Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter: Valuable Oddball Find by Shawnifer Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter: Valuable Oddball Find :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 0 0 Tomb Raider (2013, PS3): Clash of Constructions by Shawnifer
Mature content
Tomb Raider (2013, PS3): Clash of Constructions :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 2 0
John R. Dilworth's Courage the Cowardly Dog Review by Shawnifer John R. Dilworth's Courage the Cowardly Dog Review :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 16 0 Yes Please to Phasing Out Slave Leia Stuff! by Shawnifer Yes Please to Phasing Out Slave Leia Stuff! :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 5 7 Burnt (2015): How You'll Feel After Seeing This... by Shawnifer Burnt (2015): How You'll Feel After Seeing This... :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 1 0 TNBC Reexamined by Shawnifer TNBC Reexamined :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 6 0 Happy Halloween (Or Samhain) Y'all! :) by Shawnifer Happy Halloween (Or Samhain) Y'all! :) :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 2 4 Quick Thoughts About the Supergirl Pilot (2015) by Shawnifer Quick Thoughts About the Supergirl Pilot (2015) :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 15 1 Image Comics No Mercy: Unrelenting and Scary by Shawnifer Image Comics No Mercy: Unrelenting and Scary :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 1 0 The Martian (2015): Welcome Back, Ridley Scott by Shawnifer The Martian (2015): Welcome Back, Ridley Scott :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 2 0 Snyder's and Jock's Wytches Vol. 1 (Image Comics) by Shawnifer Snyder's and Jock's Wytches Vol. 1 (Image Comics) :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 1 0 Tribute To Horror Master Wes Craven Part One: NOES by Shawnifer Tribute To Horror Master Wes Craven Part One: NOES :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 4 0 The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Review by Shawnifer The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Review :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 4 2 The Evolution of Zombies: Past to Present by Shawnifer The Evolution of Zombies: Past to Present :iconshawnifer:Shawnifer 3 0

Favourites

Chrys full body by BubblegumBombshell
Mature content
Chrys full body :iconbubblegumbombshell:BubblegumBombshell 7 0
Where'd you go? by FabuMirai Where'd you go? :iconfabumirai:FabuMirai 1 0 Garnet's Universe by DukeStewart Garnet's Universe :icondukestewart:DukeStewart 3,340 207 Bath Time by DukeStewart Bath Time :icondukestewart:DukeStewart 3,046 164 Level Select by DukeStewart Level Select :icondukestewart:DukeStewart 1,989 138 The Pixel Gems by DukeStewart The Pixel Gems :icondukestewart:DukeStewart 2,255 182 Storm Watch by DukeStewart Storm Watch :icondukestewart:DukeStewart 8,029 584 She snore by MiddyRose She snore :iconmiddyrose:MiddyRose 42 6 Poison Ivy by CorinneRoberts Poison Ivy :iconcorinneroberts:CorinneRoberts 105 11 MLP Married life by 0Bluse MLP Married life :icon0bluse:0Bluse 583 73 MLP desert island by 0Bluse MLP desert island :icon0bluse:0Bluse 893 162 MLP dubbing by 0Bluse MLP dubbing :icon0bluse:0Bluse 864 70 [PCP] On the job by CCDragon-93 [PCP] On the job :iconccdragon-93:CCDragon-93 9 4 Scarecrow by MichaelJLarson Scarecrow :iconmichaeljlarson:MichaelJLarson 131 12 Sluggu by Diabolic-Diabeetus Sluggu :icondiabolic-diabeetus:Diabolic-Diabeetus 26 9 The Garlicks: Pan and Ham by DivaLea The Garlicks: Pan and Ham :icondivalea:DivaLea 2 0

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Activity


Merry Christmas (Or XMas, whichever you prefer), Happy Hanukkah, may your Kwanzaa be krazy (intentional misspelling), enjoy The Feast of Winter Veil, Felix Navidad, relish your Yaksmas, have a joyous Hearth’s Warming Eve, celebrate the relatively newish Robonukah, hope your Tet is terrific, may your Life Day be fantastic, and don’t forget to wear your various Christmas sweaters and watch videos with friends!

And of course, here’s the nonspecific and inoffensive Happy Holidays!

And to anyone that doesn’t celebrate anything in December, I still hope your day rocks! It is ‘kay to feel alone (the truth no one is immune to loneliness…Even with my family and friends around me this time of year I still do for the most part). It is normal. Don’t beat yourself up about it: been there, done that, ugh. 

Finally, don’t ever be ashamed of who are. If your family is unsupportive I’d personally try not to allow their words and judgments define your own sense of worth. Despite how difficult that can be. Uncertain how anyone in my family feels about my genderfluidity/at least gender blind announcement as of today. I keep flipping back and forth. I like to wear non-traditional masculine clothing. Clothing isn’t inherently gendered, society has assigned gender to it though. All day I’ve wanted to don my skirt, but haven’t. If I want to wear one, what does it matter anyhow? What would occur I wonder? …Exile? Confusion? Denial?

Truthfully, I’m not sure.

A close family member, one of the few that remains unaware of my real identity, called me his son and that he was proud of me on my birthday over a week ago. Now, that it should of been touching. A lovely gesture. Heartfelt words. All it did was remind me of how I’m not being honest with him out of fear of losing him you know? At the same time, am I being unfair to him too? I love him, but, based on what he’s said and declared before, I just don’t have much faith that he’ll accept me for who I am. So, I sobbed and somehow managed a “Thank you” before he began his drive back home. It was rough to type the least. 

Sorry. This was meant to be a post with more of a celebratory tone and it became less so than I originally envisioned. Anyways, enjoy today, ‘kay? :’) 

I think I might be nothing. -Todd Chavez

Contains MAJOR SPOILERS for Season 3 of Raphael Bob-Waksberg’s BoJack Horseman (which I highly recommend, probably the best original show Netflix has alongside Aziz Ansari’s and Alan Yang’s Master of None and Cheo Hodari Coker's Marvel's Luke Cage). 

Todd Chavez’s (voiced by Aaron Paul) words at the conclusion of BoJack’s junior season hit me hard. I identified with them more than I’d ever admitted to even myself. Or my friends and family. 

Since sometimes I think I feel like I’m nothing. Maybe I am nothing. In terms of sexuality, I mean. 

How a kiss does nothing for me. It never has. How the idea of kissing sounds horrible to me. How intimate contact isn’t wanted and when it rarely happens it is solely awkward for those involved. How romantic relationship simply don’t matter to me: strong friendships or strong familial ones do though. Todd’s hesitation when Emily asked if he liked anyone. Todd admitting to Emily inside a closet as Seven Minutes in Heaven is active that he’s never kissed before. More like Seven Minutes in Hell if I’d been in Todd’s place. 

Hey Todd, I didn’t either, until 2007 either (the irony). During my second and final relationship. Said kissing was my first and last time. 

After that, I had convinced (deceived) myself throughout the years that I had a crush on two other people. Ultimately, it wasn’t reciprocated and I felt like an idiot. Correction, a pathetic idiot. I’m pretty hard on myself: I don’t recommend it. I was someone that was unable to be normal. Or fit in with the crowd. 

That genuinely hurt more than being rejected. I felt completely terrible for doing that to them. I wonder if they’d forgive me if they knew? …Or something like that. Little do I know then that through my surrendering and abandonment of dating following them, I was one step closer to the real me. 

Since then, I’ve been content (there’s not much in my life I’m content about, so, that says something) about being single even though others have tried to set me up or whatever. My disinterest of dating is perceived through the lens of my previous relationships not working out instead of the fact I’m merely not interested. That is all is it y’all, sheesh. Which is quite exasperating after awhile… I don’t believe the intention was misguided or mean-spirited: they didn’t know like I didn’t. 

My own reluctance to answering similar queries or being unable to wrap my head around such a concept. How he didn’t invite her into his room by making up ridiculous excuses. How dates I was on usually ended up at their house (which culminated in more conversations, nada further due to not deciphering hints or having any interest at all: perhaps an embrace goodnight, at the most). 

How I’ve completely misunderstood potential desiring of a deeper more than friend connections from others because I have zero interest in it the first place. How it might be perceived as blowing someone off or flat-out indifferent rejection, when that’s nowhere close to the truth. In other cases, I’ve been called a “heart-breaker” even though I didn’t intentionally mean to be. In one instance, I dealt with accusations that I was the reason a romantic relationship between friends hadn’t worked. That it was my fault, somehow. Even when I tried to defend myself I wasn’t believed and thus connections I’d gained had to be torn asunder for awhile. I happened to be invited to the wrong place at the wrong time: that’s ultimately what was done. 

How I felt extreme insecurity by not abiding to established normalcy. My lack of understanding that my choice I made was indeed fine and I didn’t need to feel ashamed or angry at myself. That thoughts of “What is wrong with me?!” and “Maybe I am a deviant…?” were unnecessary. How anything resembling arousal had to be forced and worked for: it wasn’t natural in the slightest. It shouldn’t of hurt. I shouldn’t of hurt myself to obtain what is considered healthy. 

Like I’m totally blase to the mere thought of sex/relationships you know? Essentially, it never crosses my mind. My complete always disinterest in magazines with nudity in them, porn, intercourse, or strip clubs back in middle school (than later high school and forward) lead to me being cruelly ridiculed throughout my life. Labeled as gay using derogatory language. Labeled as not a man. Etc. Was it pure mockery or attempting to comprehend in their own manner? I wonder from time to time. 

So, that makes me genderfluid, aromantic, and asexual it would seem. Throughout my nearly 30 year existence, I’ve let peer pressure, societal expectations, yearning for further acceptance, and fearing I’ll disappoint everyone, dictate who I am instead of being myself! The true me. The one I’ve never been.

NO MORE! I’m done with that! Never again. 

Being genderfluid, aromantic, and asexual, doesn’t solely define me, but, I’m glad I’m not alone and I know. No one should have to be alone or clueless, ever. Thank you show creator Raphael Bob-Waksberg for penning the episode (”That Went Well”) this comes from and for accurately capturing a feeling I’ve had underneath the surface all of these years. Even if it wasn’t quite sure what it was at the time. Simply recognizing it seriously helps! 

I wish I knew you in real life should I could shake your hand as I tears would likely be running down my cheeks. Maybe, I’d try to hug you, yet ultimately decide against it. That’s how I roll after all, heh. Someday, I’d sincerely like to encounter Raphael Bob-Waksberg. I desire for this to occur (likely won’t). His series has assisted with my depression and now this. 

“That’s too much, man!” :’) 

Looking very forward to Season 4! 

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Shawnifer

Artist | Hobbyist | Traditional Art
United States
Hi! I'm a freelance writer that pens everything for fun (and to educate, inform, or entertain). I am gender-fluid, aromantic, and asexual. I struggle with depression and being on the autism spectrum. Believes in intersectional feminism. LGBTQIA Ally.

Considering posting my almost daily autobiographical comics on here. Maybe. I am so indecisive though...

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:iconjawbreakercherri:
JawbreakerCherri Featured By Owner May 7, 2016  Student Traditional Artist
thanks for the fav!
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:iconflatasabird:
FlatAsABird Featured By Owner May 6, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the watch!!!!! :D
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:iconvoltrea:
voltrea Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the fave!
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:iconalittleofsomething:
alittleofsomething Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Thankies for the watch!~
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:iconzee-stitch:
Zee-Stitch Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the watch!
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:iconmaximint:
maximint Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2016
Thanks for the watch hun!!! <3
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:iconperceptor555:
Perceptor555 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fav :3
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:iconsav8197:
sav8197 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2015
Thanks for the fav
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:icontheeamazingem:
TheeAmazingEm Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for the fave!! :happybounce: 
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:iconbluewingwind:
bluewingwind Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2015  Student General Artist
Thanks for the +fav !
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